Sunday, May 17, 2009

The IPL Faqs Answered

Remember the questions?
Here are the answers.

What does DLF stand for?
Delhi Leasing and Finance. Now how many of you knew that?

Why are there so many bollywood personalities involved with the IPL?
Cricket and Bollywood is the lifeline of the Indian population. Plus would you care if Vishal Bhatia, Vikram Chopra, Amit Pandey, and Nishant Gandhi owned the teams? Yeah I guessed not.

Why does Vijay Mallya own one team and sponsor others that he doesn't own?
Mallya believes in having his eggs in more than one basket. Did you know he was the biggest sponsor of the team that won the IPL last year?

Why is Yuvraj Singh so grumpy all the time?
He isn't getting laid in South Africa.

Why are the commentators drunk all the time?
There's free booze being served in the commentary box and the commentators are not letting go of an opportunity of a lifetime in times of recession.

What sort of a cricket tournament gets Shane Harwood and Lee Carseldine a spot in the XI but benches Glen McGrath?
One where Shane Warne believes in the abilities of experienced oldies and young amateurs and Sehwag doesn't.

Where is Mayanti Langer?
Still in Dubai, shopping, beaching, and chilling. If only Lalit Modi could lure her away from the ICL honchos.

What makes Shane Warne so hyper?
Pills his mama gave him.

What is a DLF Maximum?
The Maximum loan amount one can get from DLF. In these times, its only Rs.6!

Why don't Cricinfo have the accurate squads of the IPL teams?
Cos they suck!

How could Parthiv Patel keep opening when Murali Vijay is sitting on the bench?
Dhoni's paying Patel back for taking his spot in the Indian team.

Why does Priety Zinta hug all her players but Shilpa Shetty doesn't?
Raj Kundra is not as open minded as Ness Wadia.

Who is the Fake IPL Player?
An anonymous coward.

Where are the Pakistanis, the Bangladeshis, and the Zimbabweans?
Pakistanis up in the mountains, Bangladeshis on the bench, and Zimbabweans in Mugabe-land.

Why is Niel McKenzie a commentator - has he retired?
Its one of those unannounced retirements, and he's commentating cause of the free booze. Word has it that he tapes down the toilet seats while he's on the mike.

Where is Shahrukh Khan?
Dancing at weddings in India.

How did Jacques Kallis and Mark Boucher end up in the same team?
They came in a buy-one-get-one-free deal.

Why do the commentators at the dug outs make it look like they are doing something suspicious?
Cos according to ICC laws, they are not supposed to be there. Has someone told them they're on LIVE TV?

Why do so many wicket keepers play for Kolkata Knight Riders?
Cos John Buchanan sent the batsmen and allrounders back to India.

Do the cheerleaders know when a boundary has been hit and a wicket been taken or do they get their prompt from the DJ?
Prompted by the DJ. They do know which song is their team's song.

Who is the master - Warne or Murali?
Whoever wins the IPL.

Why is there so much royalty in the IPL?
The Indians are stuck in times of the queen.

What is a Citi Moment of Success?
Its what Citibank went through between 2002 and 2007. Sadly the moment of success ended after that period, but the IPL defies logic and recession.

Has someone kidnapped Lalit Modi?
No he's back on TV and sms-ing as intensely as ever. Looks like the Dons told him to stay in touch more often.

Why doesn't VVS Laxman talk to anyone?
He's tired of listening to, "you're not a 20-20 player".

What prompted Vijay Mallya to give the captaincy to Anil Kumble?
Mallya did not want to apply Buchanan's multiple captaincy theory by giving it to Kallis.

Why are so many retired Australians still playing cricket?
Cos they're damn good!

What happened to the bowl out?
It lives on, in Lalit Modi' head.

What is a Citi Moment of Judgement?
A commentator blunder.

Is Rohit Sharma a bowler?
In the IPL, even Raina is a bowler.

Which team do you support?
Depends on the day and mood.

Make your pitch on this post...

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16 Pitched:

  1. karachikhatmal said...


    absolutely excellent Q!

    don't slag off the fake ipl player so much - as a reporter i think it's the scoop of the century :)

    and i love it that mcgrath is on the bench - can't imagine what he's going through, but it's a good thing that such mighty gods can be brought back to earth by this contemporary God...

  2. Q said...

    Thanks KK!

    Im not slagging of the FIP - I love his posts and agree abt it being the scoop of the century. BUT, he needs to come out and disclose his identity!

    Contemporary God - Nannes?

  3. Anonymous said...

    not only raina...yuvi is a lethal bowler. is it true that mayangi is still b..ching(ahem english is nt so good.spelling mistakes can happen. so leaving that blank) etc in dubai...

  4. Chullanz said...

    c'mon Q. Fake ipl player is not so coward. he is ready to announce his whereabouts no? so be patient man. let us wait and watch

  5. life_in_binary said...

    Mayanti in dubai!?! which beach and which mall!?! ;)

  6. Q said...

    Anonymous: Yuvi may be a bit lethal in international cricket as well. Ask KP.

    And yep, its true abt Mayanti!

  7. Q said...

    Chullanz: we'll see when he announced. I doubt he will but I'd like to be proven wrong.

  8. Q said...

    LIB: bumped into her at Ibn-e-Batutta on Friday night.

  9. 12th Man said...

    /* Why are there so many bollywood personalities involved with the IPL?
    Cricket and Bollywood is the lifeline of the Indian population.*/
    Cricket and Bollywood is the lifeline of North Indian population.

    We in the south do not give a damn to Bollywood.

  10. Q said...

    12th Man: sorry should have classified that. U in the South only care abt Rajnikanth, right? ;-)

  11. Rayden said...

    Great Answers.

    btw, Rajnikant should be declared president of India. I have not seen many of his movies but in Mumbai we get cds with cut scenes from his movies. In one of the scenes Rajnikant has brain tumor. So when he is fighting with the baddies, someone shoots at him, he immediately shifts his body angle, lets the bullet go in from one ear, the bullet hits the tumor and both the tumor and bullet comes out of the other ear and Rajni is safe again.

    I mean anyone who could think of that should be immediately be given the highest position in the country. Seriously.

  12. 12th Man said...

    Nice to see that Rajnikanth's fame has transcended to the middle-east. I'm sure it is we Tamils who are bothered about him. The other southern states have their own stars/demigods.

  13. 12th Man said...

    Rayden,what you are saying is that of a commercial that was made up northies to take a dig at Rajnikanth. I have watched almost all of his movies and I can certainly say that there is no such crap that you guys make of him.

  14. Q said...

    Rayden: haha.. there are many more such super human acts that the great man has enacted! I have a full library of those.. its entertaining to say the least.

  15. Q said...

    12th Man: The Middle East has quite a few South Indians, and we have been educated by them on the might and pull of Rajnikant! When his movies release in the cinemas here, many movie-goers take coconuts with them to the halls and break them in front of the screen when Rajni appears for the first time.

    The love for him is overwhelming!

  16. Rayden said...

    Hey 12th - well I dont think I can argue if it was a movie or north Indian commercial but I have seen many scenes with Rajnikant (and many others) which defy any logic.

    But one thing I do want to mention, Rajnikant is 10 trillion times a better human being than any Bollywood star. He is a real hero for the masses - not just with his movies but with his acts, how he lives, how he is so down to earth. I make massive fun of Rajnikant all the time. But one thing for sure we have massive respect for the guy out here.

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